did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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