I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Randomize
