I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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