Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
