....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Randomize
