I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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