My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Randomize
