The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
