i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
