dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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