Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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