my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
