I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
