i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
