i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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