Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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