i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
