bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
