Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
