last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
