I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
