I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
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I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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