you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
