i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
