You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
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i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
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you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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