Soap is not a condiment
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
