Jerry, you need to find god
Say something about gay babies.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
