How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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