Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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