And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
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What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
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We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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