i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
