Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
