she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
