My first STD was from a foam party
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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