ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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