Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
