He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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