I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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