weddingsv make me drug and hornr
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
