life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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