Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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