planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
‪Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best. ‬
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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