i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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