I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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