Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
