I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
ugly people sure do ruin things
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
