What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
