I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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