My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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