your parents love me but you hate me
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
