Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
