i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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