I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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