The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
