Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
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Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
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In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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